Finding Joy in Simple Things

Where's the Joy? (and the sleep!)

2010-10-13T07:13:00.001-07:00

I couldn't sleep last night. My mind simply wouldn't shut off.

My daughter was pregnant. Now she's not. Today she goes in for a D&C. This is her third miscarriage in the last year. She says she'll get an IUD now, because "The pill doesn't work and" well, I won't go into the TMI that completed that statement. Sigh. Another grandchild lost.

I was desperate yesterday. I had no idea how I was/am going to get Mr. D's medications. They're prohibitively expensive. I have no job, no insurance. My ex...the bio dad...has not provided health coverage for almost two years now.

I swallowed my pride and went to the DS*HS office and begged mercy. I walked out of there 3 hours later with two letters of approval...medical for Mr. D, and for me. I even left with "$" for food. I happened to talk to the right person when I got there.

I haven't had to "use the system" for ten years. I have been financially independent, provided myself and my son with health insurance. Now, my health has deteriorated to the point where I left my job. Of course, I was in the same horrible job for the last ten years, and that has most likely contributed to a huge amount of my health issues.

Where's the Joy? Maybe with some time off I can find it again.

I'll just hotwire my light!

2010-09-27T20:33:00.001-07:00

Yes, Mr. D just said "Fine then, I'll just hotwire my light!"

He's in his room roaring.

I'm screaming inside my head.

My husband is removing Mr. D's bedroom door (to stop the nonstop door slamming)

I've put a sign on my bedroom door that says "Knock before you enter" because my 16 year old has forgotten that basic rule.

I took him to the craft store today to get construction paper to make a 3d model of the digestive tract for his health class.

He worked on it for 45 minutes. Declared himself finished for the day and said he would do his chores for the rest of the day.

That was at 6.

It's 8:38. The dishwasher never even got unloaded.

He turns his light of by unscrewing the bulb. My husband has now removed the privilege of having a light bulb.

I guess that makes him an ass hole.

So says Mr. D.

I just say....

O heaven help me!

Frustration

2010-09-27T10:56:00.001-07:00

On a hot muggy afternoon, I listen to my son and husband argue about the spring from a lawn mower starter. Or some such thing. The humidity gets to them I think. I've now been unemployed for a week. Money is tighter than a gnats ass. How do you get a 16 year old to understand that and stop asking for everything under the sun? Especially my boy? How I love that child.

He's challenging me daily. Deliberately challenging authority. Broke into the neighbors home. Apparently nothing was stolen, but still. Why? He scared the living crap out of the little boy that lives there, and the mom had to buy new locks and have them installed.

I just finished listening to her tell him how scared they were, and that her son was afraid to sleep in his room. Mr. D will be paying her back for the cost of the locks and is no longer welcome in her house. He used to go over and play the Wii*. I can't look the woman in the eye. I know that I didn't do this, that Mr. D is responsible for his own actions, but oh, I feel soo humiliated.

We're considering sending him to the youth academy...and he said he'll go. I'm printing the application and information packet now. I hate the idea of "sending him away". I am so $#*^%$ frustrated. He's starting to rage again.

In which I blog about not so joyful things

2010-09-01T18:34:00.000-07:00

I had a plan for this blog:

It would be updated regularly
It would stay positive, upbeat, Joyful!
I would make it "pretty"...or find someone to help me

So far so good. I think. I wonder though, what I will get out of it if I literally only blog about the good, joyful, upbeat, blah blah blah. I don't always have that stuff to write about.

Well then. I need this blog to remain above all things, for myself, honest.

On that note, I have been struggling lately. Fighting anxiety and panic attacks and generally falling apart while trying to keep it all together. And you know what? I'm tired. So, so tired

As I type, Bella (my chaweeny puppy) is sitting in my lap. I can hear my husband pounding on something in the driveway. And the "Sound of Silence" is softly playing on my i*pod. Silence can be a wonderful thing. Something I don't get much of.

It's almost 7pm, I have NO idea what I'm going to feed the hungry guys that will soon be asking me what I have planned for dinner. The floors all need to be swept. There's something scary-hairy growing in the back of the refrigerator that will require a gas mask for removal. Carpets need to be vacuumed. I have nothing to wear for work tomorrow. Mr. D dumped a pile of laundry on the couch and headed out the door to Wards Lake. "See ya mom! I'll be back in time for dinner". My mother will be here on Friday...and oh boy, I still need to feed people tonight, and go shopping for school clothes (I'll be stealing from Peter to pay Paul on this one).

Did I mention being tired. Yup, think I did.

Mud on my Feet

2010-08-27T17:41:00.000-07:00

It's been a long week. I think I'll go find some joy in the simple pleasure of my garden.

Where the sunflowers that volunteered themselves this spring are flourishing:

The gladiola's are in full bloom:

The puppies are running wild!

The Boy is running wild with the puppies!

Time to go play in the dirt...

Mud on my feet
sand on my soul
I give my heart to God
I am accepted
without question

~~Judith Cox

Big Plans & Life Changes

2010-08-27T11:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I asked The Boy (I need to find a nick-name for him to use on the blog) what class he wants to choose for his open period. To my surprise, he told me he didn't know what classes he needs yet. He'll wait until the first day of school and find out what classes he needs to take to get extra credits so he can graduate early! Last year he didn't get suspended or expelled a single time!

In other news...I submitted my resignation at work on Tuesday. It's time to find joy in simple things again. I've lost (no, misplaced) my joy in life over the last few years. I've become rather jaded about life. Tired. Frustrated. It's time to move on.